| Customer Support Officer: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
Newbie: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
Newbie: No, the name's Lou.
|| CSO: Your computer?
Newbie: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
Newbie: I told you, my name's Lou.
CSO: What about Windows?
Newbie: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
CSO: Do you want a computer with Windows?
Newbie: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
| CSO: Wallpaper.
Newbie: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. CSO: Software for Windows?
Newbie: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals and track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
Newbie: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
CSO: I just did.
|| Newbie: You just did what?
CSO: Recommend something.
Newbie: You recommended something?
CSO: Yes.Newbie: For my office?
Newbie: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
Newbie: Yes, for my office!
| CSO: I recommend Office with Windows.
Newbie: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
Newbie: What word?
CSO: Word in Office.
Newbie: The only word in office is office.
CSO: The Word in Office for Windows.
Newbie: Which word in office for windows?
CSO: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
|| Newbie: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
Newbie: That's right. What do you have?
Newbie: I need money to track my money?
CSO: It comes bundled with your computer.
| Newbie: What's bundled with my computer?
Newbie: Money comes with my computer?
CSO: Yes. No extra charge.
Newbie: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
CSO: One copy.
Newbie: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
CSO: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
|| Newbie: They can give you a license to copy money?
CSO: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
CSO: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
Newbie: How do I turn my computer off?
CSO: Click on "START"
A customer called tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"
A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
|| COMPUTER TERMS
HARDWARE - Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.
USERS - Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: Novice, intermediate, and expert. => Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. => Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
| => Expert Users. People who break other people's computers.
Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete: Any computer you own.
| LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
· Memory was something that you lost with age.
· An application was for employment.
· A program was a TV show.
· A cursor used profanity.
· A keyboard was a piano.
· A web was a spider's home.
· A virus was the flu.
· A CD was a bank account.
· A hard drive was a long trip on the road.
· A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
|| MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMPUTING
· No matter how good of a deal you get on computer components, the price will always drop immediately after the purchase.
· When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
· All components become obsolete.
· The speed with which components become obsolete is directly proportional to the price of the component.
| · Computers don't make errors-What they do they do on purpose.
· No matter how fantastic your latest and greatest PC is, you will be able to buy it for half the price in 12 months.
· The quickest way to shutdown a PC is to unplug it.
· A computer is only as smart as the person using it.
· Computers let you waste time efficiently.
|| · The people who say that computers are simple to use are the same people who tell you how to build a watch when you ask what time it is.
· A computer that has been on the market for 6 weeks is still usable as a boat anchor.
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